Me as in me

Saturday, November 27, 2010

.:. Half a look .:.

Its always like this...

A kind act to others,
presented me a motive behind.
Great opportunity like this,
I had to grab it.

Opening my heart once again,
letting the feeling build up.
And once again,
I let myself be carried high.

Like a little kid opening gifts,
excited as can be.
I use this as a force,
to pull me further on.

But like all balloons floating high,
it eventually Pops.

Stunned by the beauty or moment,
one can't say.
I can only find myself looking,
except at that very face.

Exactly like an alternating current,
I want,
I can't,
but I tried.

My eyes dart across the shelves,
fingers dancing along the hangers,
legs shifting unsteadily,
like the fervor of my heart.

Such are excuses I know of,
excuses I can't avoid.
Eventually I could only peek,
not stare.

I longed for this moment,
and now I drat it.
Somehow I wished I hand't done it,
or could get it over and done with.

Then as quick as it happened,
it ended.
Passing over the gift,
she turned away.
Leaving me in her wake,
with a blur flurry of her hair.

Somehow this was expected,
I comforted myself.
But naturally,
one could always hope for more.

Walking through the crowd a blur,
I lost myself in music.
Hearing from the earphones,
I sang from my heart.

My legs danced,
a rythm of my heartbeat.
The fleeting street lights,
like the times we had.

A couple infront of me,
I sang to them.
Lost in their world,
oblivious as she always is.

Its always like this...

-On a sidenote, I really liked how this post came out. As I was typing this, I realised I wasn't looking at the screen, but instead into blank space...recalling the moment-

Revealed on [4:39 AM]

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Friday, November 26, 2010

.:. Pimple farm .:.

Do you look good cos you feel good, or feel good cos you look good?

This topic came randomly when I was arguing(in a friendly way of course) which is true. In the practical society we live in now, its hard not to say that looks really does matter. Your eyes are always the first of your five sense you use when you meet someone. Looking at the person from head to toe, unknowingly you are already mentally constructing a vague idea of who you think the person is like. How long and flowy her hair is, the cuteness of his handsome face, how big the "chests" are (for both guys and girls), the muscled bicep of the body builders or those white long slender legs. These all play apart in your first impression of the person.

Some might prefer cute (hor Ryan ;D), others prefer pretty, it all falls in the category of appearance, outward physical face-value appearance. There might be different terms used for the attractiveness of the person, but in the end it's still just the looks. So what makes the person look cute, or look pretty. To me, it always has been the personality of the person, which results in the aura that radiates around him/her. There isn't really a cute face, jus a cute personality. Its how the person behaves that establishes their outward appearances. To me, cuteness always entails with it a "I need to take care of her" feeling for girls while for guys its "the sunny smile" feeling. As for pretty or handsome, I tie it down to demure/charisma. A girl who's pretty carries herself well, knowing that she's pretty while a guy who radiates charisma is jus...radiating charisma la HAHA. So does it mean that you look how you feel?

But vice versa, sometimes the appearances on the outside extends inside of you as well. Maybe for a particular imporatant occasion, like a date, you take more than usual to dress up, making sure you're in tip top form. Dosen't that confer a sense of confidence in all of us, and thats why we do that? You might say that its a "society-conforming" need, but don't we all dress up so that we can impress others. Recently I've been trying out a few styles myself to see which I prefer, and when I wear a combi that I really like, it just makes me feel more "taller" and in hope of someone praising me. Maybe its jus a need for approval? But nonetheless, how looking good can make you feel good, isn't exactly in your hands to decide in my opinion. It confers a temporary state of happiness, but in the end all we're looking for is that nod-of-approval from people then we become confident.

So now the conclusion? Well I guess if you're going along the lines of "do YOU look good then feel good or feel good then look good", I would say feel first wins, for the former isn't really about yourself, but rather on using others as a basis to raise yourself up. Hence, I wanted to ask "Do you want to depend on yourself for confidence or others", but I suddenly realise that it depends on your character as well. More introverted people couldn't care bout what others say, thus living in a world of their own, while extroverted inavertedly having to be in contact with people will want to accquire their opinions, generally good of course. In the end, we're all just trying to make ourselves happy, either your way or my way.

And then sudden;y this quote came into my mind, "Nice from far...far from nice".

I feel that it really does bring out the "atrocity" (I know thats too harsh a word to use, but my degrading english vocab is preventing me from coming up with anything else to replace it) of the fact that outward appearance matters. Somehow I've always had to this belief, some might call it a fairy-tale thinking, that character matters more than looks. To me, the most important thing is whether you like the person, not how the person looks. Of course if the person is appealing its a plus, but thats not the requirement. In the end, be it in looking for a friend or a mate, we dun want to look at them only, we want the sense of bonding that is shared, otherwise might as well go get a statue haha xD. Look at it this way, do want people who walk with you in your life, or just look at you walking...

Revealed on [5:09 PM]

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Saturday, November 20, 2010

.:. Music Generation Gap .:.

Do you hear, or do you listen?

Due to my investment in my itouch, bout 1 month ago, now I have access to music in camp, which I must say is very essential. There is always little pockets of time, too short to take a nap, or too long to stone. Also there is the freaking long MRT ride home, bout 1hour plus a little bit. I think if I dun have my itouch to provide entertainment, I would die of boredom.

Those who know me will know I am definitely very picky bout the kind of music that I listen to. I dun listen to a particular genre of songs, I jus go in search of songs that are in tune my ears, and I listen to them. Though I find myself edging towards pop a little, but otherwise still very selective. And what this means is that I do not actually have alot of songs in my computer library, current count, 116 songs. Not exactly a wise usage of the 8gb memory space in my itouch huh.

The first songs I actually started really listening to are Japanese songs, with much thanks to Gundam Seed. It was during my secondary school days, and kinda like the anime period of my life. So japanese music is like the base of my music foundation. Yes I dun speak japanese, which means I wun understand half (or rather anything at all) the lyrics of the songs means, but what I'm listening to is rythm of the song, the feel I get when I hear it. Of course I do take the effort to go and find out what the song really means, and most of the time I find them very interesting :).

But due to my pickiness, of course there's hardly enough to fill the space. hence next is my inventory of chinese songs, which is of course much smaller than my japanese bank. I din really start listening to chinese songs, until I started going kbox-ing with chinese gang of GOF. I would say chinese songs isn't really that foreign to me, for both my parents do speak chinese and I grew up listening to chinese radio. So you can actually say chinese songs were my root, just that I didn't actively started pursuing it until much later. And recently I start listening to retro chinese songs, songs that I assume should be around my mum's generation?

Then comes the few, and very limited supply of english songs I know of. My onli source of english songs actually comes from listening to background music played in the shopping malls mostly, or like certain events where music is just blasted for the sake of not letting you talk to your friends without shouting. Hence, of course I dunnoe much english songs.

Which here comes the problem. Because of my initial start in my japanese songs, I left out the english and chinese songs that are so popular to teens of my age there and then. Then now as I try to find to songs, it becomes a problem. Its mostly the case of "Hey I've heard that tune before, but I never knew the title."You play the song, and I know it, but without the title, I dunnoe the song. That's the main problem that's hindering me now, but onli way I guess is to slowly explore more. No I do not regret starting to listen to japanese songs, just wished I could have paid more attention to the other songs around me then.

And here's another thing bout music. Do you listen to music, or do you hear music. Do you go simply for the rythm of the song, or do you appreciate the meaning behind the lyrics which the writer so painfully took so long to compose. Its like our Singapore National anthem, we all know how to sing it, but how many of us actually know what its true meaning is? Well I would say I am guilty of both, there are songs that I just plainly like the tune of it, and others the meaningful lyrics. Hey that's giving credit to both song writers and composers ma :)

Anyway, here's some retro chinese songs for your enjoyment:

Revealed on [12:05 AM]

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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

.:. Don't know .:.

Love at the corner, but I'm at a junction.

Just finished watching a taiwan drama. Not one of the many that I've ever watched (was never into romance shows). I basically watched it for laughter sake, which I'm glad to say it did serve its purpose pretty well. Like all taiwan idol dramas, or all dramas in fact, there's always the element of romance inside. Not I like you means you like me, if not then he likes her but I like him...so and so forth providing an endless list of permutation and combination.

While watching such shows, one tends to find an onslaught of emotions that rush you like a tidal, sometimes overwhelming you. Laughing at the silly entics of the guy trying to please the girl, pissed at how easily the rival can sow dispute the heavenly couple, smitten by the sweet romance that bloom. Its like within that few episodes, you've tasted all the emotions that life has to offer for you. But then u tink about it, in real life, do you get to experience such emotions all within a span of one relationship.

Many times in life, when you're the person in the relationship or trying to be in one, one of the strongest emotion you would be feeling should be anxiety. Say you are in crush, and like many times i've said before, there are too many variables in play for you to be able to happily get a satisfactory answer out. You will under think certain stuff, then panic and overthink. If you were in a relationship, your anxiety issues would most probably stem from trying to make your girl happy. You don't know what you're doing is enough, or even correct to say. All in all, its due to one thing, lack of information. I know this is a generalisation, but its afterall taken from the perspective me, who has 0 experience in the playing field :).

When we watch shows, we are playing the part of the audience, a very lucky by-stander who gets to see all the important bits and pieces of each and every character there is in the story. Therefore we get the whole picture of what's going on. Who likes who, who hates who, who wants to propose to who but is thwarted by who. We know it all. Hence we're always able to laugh and cry along with the show. But in reality, when you're in the picture, things become awhole lot different. Because you dunnoe what's going on. You dunnoe if you really like the girl, if the girl likes you, if she has other suitors etc etc. Its all these anxiety that are brought about because of "not-knowing" that somehow dulls the process into something not as lovely as it is seen protrayed in love dramas. Albeit all you need is a real-life happy ending then you will be living the dream. Otherwise before that, you're like a clueless fly buzzing around, not knowing what's going on.

Like the chinese saying, by-standers see clearest. I show you the drama, you're happy. I throw you into it, you panic. Isn't that the reason why such love dramas are produced, to attract people using the appeal of a wonderful romance, whereby you can be the one who sees-it-all unfolding infront of you.

The sweets will freeze in the fridge, and so shall my heart...

Revealed on [6:16 AM]

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Saturday, November 13, 2010

.:. Nom nom .:.

You are what you eat.

How true is this statement? I don't exactly know. Somehow this random blog idea just popped up in mind when I woke up one morning. Then I took the morning breakfast time to slowly ponder it. Actually, it kinda applies to me. (I was thinking of trying to convert this post into another inspirational post since I haven't done any in such a long time, but couldn't connect the ideas, hence I'm using my profile as an experiment for you readers to use as an example and see if this is true XD). I know Ryan did before a food post too, but what I'm trying to steer this towards is not how you eat, but rather what.

So let's get the ball rolling...or the food chewing whichever you prefer hehe.

Anyone who knows me will know that I luv chilli, no secret of the century here. Almost, I mean ALMOST, all food taste better with chilli in it. It's like me. Life's a bore. So you just gotta add some "chilli" into it to spice up your life ma. And the spice that each individual adds are different. I enjoy certain things in life that others dun (ok many others dun), and likings that allow me to relate others too. I actively seek things to fufil my life, tats it! Yes some might argue that adding chilli spoils the original taste of the food, but to me it heightens the flavour :). But when I eat chilli, I don't spam it to the point that I eat chilli literally. My chilli threshold isn't that great ironically, but of a reasonable standard at least. If I were to spam too much "chilli" in life, I think I would freak out. I like things just nice, not too excessive. Quote from my friend, I am Shy. I wan spice, not an explosion. Just enough to brighten the day, not dehydrate me. Nothing too frightening, just a touch of tingling feeling on my tongue to awaken my senses to the joys in life. The hint of spiciness that lingers on after a great day :)

I like food. I guess as long as its tasty (by my definitions which is in turn governed by the tongue of mine) I should like it. I like variety more than quantity. Say I rather have an assortment of meat, rather than a plate of the best chicken chop on the planet. Its about sampling the different flavours out there in life, trying to bring myself to comprehend what it feels like for others to love that particular kind of food that much. Its acceptance of the variety of people and feelings around and within me. I like to think about things, accept point of views taken from other's perspectives, especially if its from an angle I've never thought of before. I guess thats why I sometimes have inspirational posts popping into my head from time to time.

However, my liking of variety has a fullstop at a point when things go out of norm. I'm talking about the kind of...erm...should I say "funky" food that people tend to come up these days. Examples would be like Fried Mars Bars...and...ok my brain ain't exactly functioning at full capacity today so I can't think of anything else (no offence to Fried Mars Bars lovers out there, fyi my best bud loves that too). Its just the unconventional food in general that I don't fancy. There's always this "traditional" part of me that says "Hey that's weird, don't eat it.". Don't get me wrong, I understand the novelty of such ideas and that it could actually taste good, but that dosen't me I have to be in it. I might wear what my parents term as trendy for teens my age, but I still hold onto very traditional values that have been taught to me. I condone it, but I'm still me in the end. Imperfection at its best.

Lastly, its "I eat what I get". I know this is more under "how you eat" than "what you eat", but its where I'm going from is that my eating style affects what I eat to a certain extent. I am not a choosy person when I can help it. Like in ns for example, I eat what is served. Some might say its no choice, but its like I eat everything they serve, rather then tell the auntie "I dun want that.". So how's this like me. I'm a super accomodating person, sometimes to the point I dun like it myself (thou not often). I take what life dishes out at me, and I swallow it down my throat. I might complain bout the disgusting taste when I'm chewing through it, but in the end it will still end up in my belly. I'm not forceful by nature, but rather accepting. I would rather eat what you've cooked for me, than to tell you and break your heart that I don't like it.

So am I what I eat? I would say yes...for these points that I have thought of so far. But now that I am at the end of this post, and I dunnoe how to appropriate end this, here's something for you. Instead of "you are what you eat", can it be "you eat what you are"? Happy thinking folks :)

Revealed on [6:30 AM]

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Saturday, November 6, 2010

.:. Walls are made to be broken .:.

Can you make someone love you?

This is a question that popped up in a convo awhile ago, but now I dun even know how to start this post. At my age now, I guess having eye candies and crushes are just part and parcel of the process of growing up into an adult. When faced with such situations, its natural to be in doubt. Afterall, noboday saying having a crush is supposed to be easy.

Crushes itself implies a one-sidedness. Or rather, at least for now, until you actually confess your feelings and then well, it depends. But the thing is, because of this "secretive" nature of crushes, you never know what your crush is thinking, whether she likes you anot, if your "courageous" attempt to sms her is bothering her, or the fact that you try to look your best even impresses her. And here comes the biggest question, what if she dosen't like you. We all try our best in our crushes, because of such a fact in hopes of being able to "convince" him/her to like us. What if the person dosen't like us initially, is it possible to actually to do so much until the he/she falls in love with you, like how great your feeling for them is.

But then, if going by such a situation, you do all you can to impress the other party, does it actually mean that the other party actually loves you, or just what you are doing for him/her (ok for the rest of the post i shall just use "her" for ease of typing sake). She might be in love with the things you are doing for her, the comforting sms you send her in her time of need, the care you show her, her favourite snack that you buy specially for her when you dun need to. Is this the love that you want in return? For she dosen't actually like you for who you are, its how your treating her. Which boils down to the question, is it better to love someone, or be loved?

Of course in all GP essays there is an argumentative paragraph that we need to consider. By doing all that we, those in crushes, do, naturally it means more P.Ex opportunities with the girl. We use whatever reasons we can, whatever "coincidences" we can find, to try and arrange 1on1 sessions with her, so that we get to spend time alone together. No doubt its not a date until the intentions of both parties are clear, but its a chance for more personal get to know each other. So working on this basis, as the girl gets to know u more, does it mean that she slowly understands you, and finds your inner-self more attractive than your outer looks and starts to fall in love with you?

Which brings this to mind, what is love?

Is it about the initial attraction when you first set eyes upon her, then bit by bit her character further mesmerizes you and you know she's the one? Or isit about finding a soulmate, someone whom you can relate to in life, who shares the same beliefs as do, or from another angle, one who has total opposites ideals such that you 2 enjoy the times u share arguing with one another?

Ok i'm drifting abit away from the main topic liao. So lets put a conclusion. Can we make someone fall in love with you? Well i shall say that that's not really the crux of the matter, but rather will u get the love you desire out of it...I won't know the answer to this, as always is so of my such blogposts, just food for thought.

I'll either have the answer in future, or just have to keep trying...

Revealed on [7:51 PM]

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Friday, November 5, 2010

.:. ...you tiao .:.

niiiinnnnnnnnja

Public holidays simply means 1 extra bookout day for civie hardup NSFs like me, as well as the opportunity to spend even more time with GOF :). Started planning with ryan on monday. First the idea was Night Cycling at ECP. Then it got changed to playing badminton swimming at house. And finally in the end, it became lan, dinner and sleepover at Ryan's house, what a change of itinery sia.

Gonna try and skip the mundane details, and jus dive right into things worth taking note of.

Played another 4 hours of lan, and this time it was pure CoD, hoho! And for once, I decided to stay true to my myself all the way, sniping! I just kept using the sniper, nothing else. Epic shiokness. Been so long since I had so much lanning, real real fun, maybe even sadistic fun if I dare say myself hehe. You can't blame me, I just like sniping people and enjoy the sensation of them not knowing how they died :). Woohoo highness! After so much playing of CoD, I am now quite familiar with the style of gameplay the game requires, hence resulting in my rank raising quite fast. Throw in a challenge or 2 from fellow sniper sharon, and knifing opponent ter, yup it was one great lan session!

Then it had to happen. I dun understand how people can jus take something as important as an 11B and not check it it, I mean its your IC. And the shopkeeper din even bother to check for resemblence from the photo, if like that what's the point of asking for identification cards. So ryan "lost" his 11B just like tat, and we spend 30 mins waiting, while the shopkeeper tried to search his desk for the missing 11B, which obviously was no longer there. In the end, Ryan had to go visit the other party's house, leave a note and make a police report.

While the rest of us went to Fat Boyz for dinner first. And once again, Sushan's sense of direction (or rather lack of it) prevails again. Hence resulting in us taking more than required to reach the destination. By the time we ate our dinner, its was 10pm? The burger was ok, good, but not fantastic, still preferred Swensen's. Thou the milkshake was really..."gao" haha. Made our way to Rochor Soya Bean opposite for supper snack, "zhen zhu"?

Walked all the way to the bus-stop outside ryan's house and waited there. Then when everything was settled sleepover time! HTHT from 1am to 5am, woohoo getting longer and longer. It was sort of like a more Q&A session, ask a quetion, irregardless of deep mind-wrecking questions or superficials one like which part of your body you like most, anything works! No holds barred, we dun care whether you are a ego-maniac or what, just share! That's the awesome-ness bout GOF :)

So yup GOF is just too good to be true :)

Revealed on [11:35 PM]

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the One-Winged Angel
Imperfection at its best

Taiyou ni akogarete
Takaku takaku tonda tsubasa
Sono netsu ni tokasareta
Fukai umi e to ochite yuku

Odayaka na minamo ochita namida no hitoshizuku ga nami wo tate
Sono nami wa kaze ni fukare haruka kanata ni made mo todoku you ni

Tsuki ga sotto kata wo tataki
minamo utsushite kureta kiiro michi
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Looking up to the sun
Flying high, up high on wings
The heat dissolves them
and he falls into the deep sea.

A single tear drops into the serene water, creating a wave
That wave is blown by the wind and reaches far away.

The moon gently massages my shoulders
reflecting a yellow path on the water surface.

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Slowly carving a path through the world by on his own...